No woman, No cry

Today has been a rough day. After yesterday's feelings of euphoria during the day, last night totally abolished those feelings. Right now is a very trying time for me. It is a time for change and adjustments that I thought I was ready to make but maybe I wasn't. Do I still think God is amazing and awesome and has a perfect plan for me?. Yes. However, I'm severely questioning my side of that perfect plan. I keep asking God, are you sure I'm strong enough for this? Is this really what you want me to do? Is this really what you want to put me through? Can't we find an easier path? And the answer is obviously "yes I think you are strong enough, yes this is what I want you to do, yes I think this will be good for you, and no, no child there is not an easier path." Well there is an easier path but not with Him and that is not something I am willing to give up.
Luke and I are both going through changes in our careers and what I initially thought was going to be wonderful and perfect has come to be something ugly and not an easy pill to swallow. I had all these grand ideas of actually getting to live a normal married life and see what it was like to be married without school, work every weekends, etc. However, God has a different plan. Luke and I will once again be completely opposite of each other on schedules. We will only have every other Sunday off together. So here are the things that come to mind for me....how will our marriage make it through this without one of us living on the other side of the house? How will we avoid becoming just roommates? How will we learn to invest our time together and make it worth it? Am I irrational to think and question these things? YES! But I am a paranoid, soon-to-be 30 year old white, suburban, never had it hard in my life really, girl. I know my love for my husband will not diminish. It hasn't over the past 11 years, why would it now? I worry that his love for me will diminish because he lives with a paranoid, soon to be 30 year old, white, suburban, never had it hard in her life really, girl, who obviously is not handling this change in our life well.
I couldn't stop crying at work today. Maybe it's a good thing I can't see patients right now because I would have been a blubbering idiot. How can a blubbering idiot take care of someone who is sick or hurting? I couldn't stop crying because it seemed that everything had come to a head, so to speak. I lost it last night and yelled at Luke for taking this new job. I yelled at him for what else, I'm not sure. It was just this pent up anger/frustration that had to come out and unfortunately it landed on him. Did he deserve to be yelled at? No. No one deserves to be yelled at, but I did it. Shamefully. To the point I couldn't roll over, kiss him and tell him I was sorry and that I loved him. Pride-it's a nasty thing. So this morning being the coward that I am, I simply sent him a text and low and behold if I didn't somewhat go off on him again. It didn't help that in the middle of all of this, my mother called me to tell me that two people who were very much a part of my childhood had passed away today. Once again I asked, "Really God?" And that's when I got my answer.

I got my answer in the way of a Bob Marley song.

Laugh as you may, but yes, it was a Bob Marley song. "No Woman, No Cry." And just when I thought I had had enough, the bridge of that song played,

"Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright

So, no woman, no cry
No, no woman, no woman, no cry
Oh, little darling, don't shed no tears
No woman, no cry

No woman, no woman, no woman, no cry
No woman, no cry
Oh, my little darlin' please don't shed no tears
No woman, no cry, yeah."

Did I laugh at God and say "okay, I get it!" I did. I had to. Talk about God talking to you, telling you to let go, that "Ev'rything's gonna be alright."

So tonight I'm going to try to walk off my steam, frustration, anger, hurt, sadness, etc with a very dear friend and pray that Luke will be brave enough to step into the house and see me for the scared, paranoid, white, suburban, soon-to-be 30 year old, never really had it hard in life, girl that I am.

And I hope he will still love me for it. He says he will.