Just to see you smile, I'd do anything

So after my meltdown yesterday, which I apparently needed to have, I am much better. I feel a little more at peace with things. But what helped more than anything was seeing Luke's smile last night. His first day on the new job went well and he was actually smiling after work for the first time in a long time. I'd pretty much do anything to see him smile. It's a beautiful smile that touches every part of you. I'm still not crazy about him working weekends but if it means he is happier working where he is now, then well I will get over it. Cause I'd do anything, just to see him smile.

No woman, No cry

Today has been a rough day. After yesterday's feelings of euphoria during the day, last night totally abolished those feelings. Right now is a very trying time for me. It is a time for change and adjustments that I thought I was ready to make but maybe I wasn't. Do I still think God is amazing and awesome and has a perfect plan for me?. Yes. However, I'm severely questioning my side of that perfect plan. I keep asking God, are you sure I'm strong enough for this? Is this really what you want me to do? Is this really what you want to put me through? Can't we find an easier path? And the answer is obviously "yes I think you are strong enough, yes this is what I want you to do, yes I think this will be good for you, and no, no child there is not an easier path." Well there is an easier path but not with Him and that is not something I am willing to give up.
Luke and I are both going through changes in our careers and what I initially thought was going to be wonderful and perfect has come to be something ugly and not an easy pill to swallow. I had all these grand ideas of actually getting to live a normal married life and see what it was like to be married without school, work every weekends, etc. However, God has a different plan. Luke and I will once again be completely opposite of each other on schedules. We will only have every other Sunday off together. So here are the things that come to mind for me....how will our marriage make it through this without one of us living on the other side of the house? How will we avoid becoming just roommates? How will we learn to invest our time together and make it worth it? Am I irrational to think and question these things? YES! But I am a paranoid, soon-to-be 30 year old white, suburban, never had it hard in my life really, girl. I know my love for my husband will not diminish. It hasn't over the past 11 years, why would it now? I worry that his love for me will diminish because he lives with a paranoid, soon to be 30 year old, white, suburban, never had it hard in her life really, girl, who obviously is not handling this change in our life well.
I couldn't stop crying at work today. Maybe it's a good thing I can't see patients right now because I would have been a blubbering idiot. How can a blubbering idiot take care of someone who is sick or hurting? I couldn't stop crying because it seemed that everything had come to a head, so to speak. I lost it last night and yelled at Luke for taking this new job. I yelled at him for what else, I'm not sure. It was just this pent up anger/frustration that had to come out and unfortunately it landed on him. Did he deserve to be yelled at? No. No one deserves to be yelled at, but I did it. Shamefully. To the point I couldn't roll over, kiss him and tell him I was sorry and that I loved him. Pride-it's a nasty thing. So this morning being the coward that I am, I simply sent him a text and low and behold if I didn't somewhat go off on him again. It didn't help that in the middle of all of this, my mother called me to tell me that two people who were very much a part of my childhood had passed away today. Once again I asked, "Really God?" And that's when I got my answer.

I got my answer in the way of a Bob Marley song.

Laugh as you may, but yes, it was a Bob Marley song. "No Woman, No Cry." And just when I thought I had had enough, the bridge of that song played,

"Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright

So, no woman, no cry
No, no woman, no woman, no cry
Oh, little darling, don't shed no tears
No woman, no cry

No woman, no woman, no woman, no cry
No woman, no cry
Oh, my little darlin' please don't shed no tears
No woman, no cry, yeah."

Did I laugh at God and say "okay, I get it!" I did. I had to. Talk about God talking to you, telling you to let go, that "Ev'rything's gonna be alright."

So tonight I'm going to try to walk off my steam, frustration, anger, hurt, sadness, etc with a very dear friend and pray that Luke will be brave enough to step into the house and see me for the scared, paranoid, white, suburban, soon-to-be 30 year old, never really had it hard in life, girl that I am.

And I hope he will still love me for it. He says he will.

"The Shack"

This is quite possibly one of the most powerful books I have ever read. Not only was it able to evoke almost every emotion out of me, but it also blew my soul away. I think that as someone who grew up in the church, it has always been easy for me to believe in God and all that is in Him. However, after reading this book I realized that I have been going with the flow so to speak, rather than really living my life through God to the max!

What an eye opening experience!

To know God is in EVERYTHING!!! He is EVERYTHING! It makes your heart and soul rejoice! What a warm feeling.....so contagious.

I'm beginning to think that God gave me this time at work, waiting on credentialing, to remind me of what is really important in my life. It's like I can feel layers being peeled away. Dark, dirty, angry, hurtful layers falling away, one by one, only to be replaced by something new and fresh and invigorating! Oh what a feeling!

Ecclesiates 3:1:For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away; a time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace.

I guess this is my time for breaking down and rebuilding. Here's to souls built on the rock!

Credentialing...please!

This is week 6 of my new job. I have a feeling it's going to be another slow week for me, however I do get to switch my schedule around a little. It could help! We will see.
I continue to wait for my credentialing and until I receive it, I am not allowed to see patients. Hence, the boredom of the new job thus far. I feel bad they are paying me and I can't see patients. This too will change soon, I hope.
So here's to praying for Credentialing and RAIN!!!!

Rain is a Good Thing

We so desperately need rain right now in Oklahoma. Each day gets a little scarier at how dry our little world is. I keep praying God will hear my plea for rain, that He will provide a nice week of steady, earth quenching rain. Let's hope He answers my prayers soon.

So on a lighter note than my two previous posts, I am amazed at what God does do when I hand over the reigns. Mind you, this is not easy and there are many times over the past few weeks that I have just wanted to cry and cry some more and then maybe a little more. It's hard letting go. But when you do, WOW, what amazing things that happen. I can't expand on this at the moment but hopefully in the next few weeks I will be able to. I will tell you this....I have the potential to really help a lot of people and work for a doctor that I think very highly of. (And no, I would not have to give up my current job).

Well, here's to a good weekend!

What if?

What if you're right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you're right?
What if it's true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true?

What if he takes his place in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions down inside
That's all you find?

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Than folklore that must be told and retold?

You've been running as fast as you can
You've been looking for a place you can land for so long
But what if you're wrong?

-My friend I spoke about yesterday responded to me. And this is what I would love to say in return without making her defensive. I realize that is not a possibility but wouldn't it be great if we could just get the message across by saying what is really on our minds? By looking at them and saying, "Are you crazy, why would you want to risk it? Can't you see His love for you and everything it brings?" It amazes me that people try to disregard God and his teachings. I can't go through one day and be amazed and what God has done. Look at childbirth! Do they really think that evolution made that possible? Do they really think that the most intricate, complicated, self-sufficient "machine" (aka our bodies) made it this far by evolution? WE DID NOT COME FROM MONKEYS!!!! Science has proven that! Genetics has proven that! I could go on and on but that is not why I posted this today. I posted this really to ask for prayers. Prayers for my friend and prayers for me that I may find the right words to make her at least re-consider her stance.
My thought is this:
If the faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains, I pray my faith can move one soul.

Vocatus atque non vocatus deus aderit – called or not called God is still present (some wise old bugger)

Wow, what a poweful statement! Whether we want God to be there or not, He is. It was sort of ironic today that I should happen to have posted this on facebook and not two seconds later, one of my FB friends post something about God hating drunkness and how she thought that was funny that God would hate. She is an atheist and I'm sure found it amusing that a Christian person would say that "God hates." I replied to her saying that God does not care if you drink but rather if you let the drink control you. Needless to say I also ended up asking her why she is atheist. I'm very curious to find out why. Probably because I don't think I could ever believe that God does not exist. I would rather be wrong about God existing and not have afterlife than be wrong in believing He does not exist when in fact He does and end up in hell.
So as I sat there contemplating her view on God, I asked myself what would it take for a non-believer to be a believer? What is that turning point? That lightbulb? Am I so naive to think that everyone should know God exists? I would like to think so. And what would I be willing to do to help someone come to that same conclusion? I would like to think anything within God's will.
I've never spoken to someone one-on-one about God because I don't feel like I know the Bible well enough. But really do I have to? I mean God has done some of the most amazing things in my life and I know they would not have happened had it not been for Him. So couldn't my experiences, my crazy unheard of human experiences be enough for someone?
These are questions I often ponder when we are discussing evangalism in church. Yes I went on mission trips and I helped put up roofs and concrete floors, and I sang songs and held little childrens hands but was that enough? Is it still enough? I don't think God's work is ever done and that we should keep going strong each and every day.
So I took that step today and asked: "Why are you an atheist, just curious?" We'll see where this goes.

Testing

Just seeing if this works!

Life in Motion

It has been quite some time since I have posted anything. I think I have said this before, maybe a little too much!
Life has been needless to say, busy. I graduated from my Masters program! YEAH! I took my credentialing exam and actually passed! I am officially a Family Nurse Practitioner. I have the papers and everything to prove it! AMAZING! It was definitely a God thing and not a Bre thing.
I have a new job, that I LOVE! The people are great and so is my very own office! That's right, I have my own office! I've actually grown up! HA! (okay maybe just professionally I have grown up, I'm still very much a kid at heart).
So it's time to find a new adventure. I've got some pretty good ideas but could use some more if anyone would like to share! There are also plenty of things to do on my "To Do" list!
In the meantime I am going to enjoy the weather, catching up with friends and family and learning to live again! Yippee!!!